| Dec. 8th, 2009 @ 11:30 am G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra vs. Transformers 2 |
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Current Mood:  good
Appropriately enough, the very day I checked out Transformers 2 out of the library, I'd got my hands on a Blu-Ray copy of G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. See, I had caught five minutes of it on a TV Display at SAM'S while getting my car fixed and what I saw was so ridiculously goofy that I pretty much fell in love on sight.
So yeah, I enjoyed it. It's not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination but I still thought it was a hoot. It's a big dumb action movie for hyperactive nine year olds that also manages to please the hyperactive nine-year-old in me. Only real complaints that I had is that the action scenes went on maybe a couple of minutes too long and the ending was incredibly abrupt. But anyway, it's all and all just a harmless little movie.
And I feel compelled to defend it. Now, I'm NOT going to say that it's a good movie, please remember that. What I am compelled to defend this movie against are comments being flung around that G.I. Joe is a worse movie than Transformers 2.
Obviously, the people who say this are either total Michael Bay / Transformers apologists or were so traumatized by the viewing of Transformers 2 that they managed to block out most of that movie's utter wretchedness. (I didn't and will carry the scars for the rest of my days.)
Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to prove with SCIENCE how G.I. Joe is not only treats its source material better than Transformers 2 but is just a better movie in general. And I've been able to whittle it down to 12 reasons.
To wit:
1.
In Transformers 2, the titular characters constantly take a back seat to an endless parade of human actors doing a bunch of unfunny mugging for the camera and many of the human characters serve no real purpose in the movie. The Transformers themselves are more plot devices than anything.
In G.I. Joe, the titular Elite Fighting Force is the primary focus, with nearly every important character either being part of G.I. Joe or one of the bad guys.
2.
In Transformers 2, the tone changes from "wacky, wacky wwwwaaaacky HIJINKS!" to "SERIOUS BUSINESS" so quickly you're likely to get whiplash.
G.I. Joe manages to remain fairly light and fun in tone throughout the movie.
3.
In Transformers 2, there's a flashback scene which shows a bunch of African tribesmen, depicted as snarling savages, hunting a tiger. A FREAKING TIGER.
In G.I. Joe there's a flashback scene where two 9-year-old kids beat the everliving crap out of each other! and it is AWESOME! Seriously, the first thing Lil' Storm Shadow does when he sees that Lil' Snake Eyes has broken into his master's kitchen is grab him and slam him headfirst through a door! Seriously, for a brief moment this movie turns into Ong Bak: The Beginning. (Just so you know, that was ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) telstarman's line, not mine.)
4.
G.I. Joe features a black character who, despite being the "wise-cracking jokester" of the team, is still portaryed as a skilled and relatively competent soldier. And there are also other black characters in the film who add enough variety to keep the movie from sinking into a "Black People Act Like THIS!" mindset.
Transformers 2 set race relations back about 300 years.
5.
All the women Transformers 2 all look like they were grown in a lab by people who think Hot Rod Mag cover models are the ideal woman. They are also sexualized in a way that porno directors would find unsubtle.
The women in G.I. Joe all look like actual women. And even when Sienna Miller runs around in a cleavage baring leather get up or Rachel Nichols works out in sports bra, it doesn't feel horribly gratuitous. In fact, that bit with Rachel Nichols working out also features a shirtless Channing Tatum and (surprisingly ripped) Marlon Wayans, so while there's something for the guys there's also something for the ladies. G.I. Joe...It's considerate.
6.
Transformers 2 features a 3 minute scene in France and manages to cram in every single dumb, unfunny joke about the French you can come up with. Escargot. Mimes. Mopeds. Berets. Etc. You think of it, it's there.
G.I. Joe features a ten-fifteen minute sequence in France and doesn't make a single joke at the French's expense.
7.
The Autobots and Decepticons in Transformers all look like they've been run through a self-destructing trash compactor. Also, rather than trying to carry over the characters from the source material, a lot of times they just took random names from the source and slapped them on random robot designs.
In G.I. Joe the Baroness is a brunette femme fatale who wears glasses and a leather outfit who joined Cobra because her brother got killed. Snake Eyes is a silent martial arts expert who wears sort of a "military ninja" get up. He's a long time rival with Storm Shadow, who is a ninja who dresses in all white. Destro is an Scottish arms dealer who eventually gets a metal face. Zartan is a master of disguise. G.I. Joe is headed by an old soldier named General Hawk and is based in a secret headquarters called The Pit. Y'know, just like in the comics and cartoon. Cobra Commander's a little different but elements of his backstory were taken from the comics, and at the end of the day he's still a disfigured lunatic with a mask and a weird voice.
8.
Transformers 2 is a two and a half hour movie that's made up of 15% action and 85% dumb plot and excrutiating comedy.
G.I. Joe is 30 minutes shorter and is made up of 85% dumb action and 15% dumb plot.
9.
In Transformers 2, Optimus Prime, one of my childhood icons, gets killed and I am invested so little in what's going on that I couldn't care less.
The climax of G.I. Joe had me, unironically, on the edge of my seat over the fate of a character played by Marlon Wayans.
10.
Transformers 2 features a slumming John Turturro...in a thong.
G.I. Joe features a slumming Dennis Quaid and Johnathon Pryce. The movie is nice enough to keep their pants on.
11.
Transformers 2 is violent to the point of being sadistic and honestly, I wouldn't show it to a little kid.
G.I. Joe is excessively violent too but in an over-the-top, ridiculous sort of way. Sure, people get blown up or thrown through the air into electrical equipment but it feels less like brutality and more like a hyperactive kid really going nuts while playing with his action figures, which brings me to my final point.
12.
G.I. Joe is dumb in exactly the way it should be. One major storyline in the cartoon had Cobra going around the world activating doohickeys that would cover one half of the world in darkness, placing it under Cobra's control somehow. One of these doohickey's was guarded by an army of living terracotta warriors that came out of friggin NOWHERE. The plot to this would fit in just fine with that. While buddies of mine have made comparisons to Megaforce, the hilariously cheeseball actioner from the 80's, G.I. Joe reminds me of Godzilla: Final Wars in a way. Both movies feel like the cinematic equivalent of a little kid raiding the toybox and having a good, stupid time with 'em.
Transformers 2...let's be honest, a movie based on a cartoon that was made to sell toys was not going to be the brainiest movie around. I can accept that. But JESUS, both Transformers movies go above and beyond to be stupid and offensive. Whereas G.I. Joes' stupidity is in a way, faithful to its source, Transformers 2 is stupid because it was made by people seem to hold the very idea of thinking in utter comtempt.
And just for the hell of it, a bonus reason why G.I. Joe > Transformers 2
Transformers - has TruckNutz.
G.I. Joe - No TruckNutz anywhere! |
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